What do I want?

“What do I want?”

 “What do I want?” is a defining question to ask yourself many times a day on many levels.  Ask it in terms of what you want from life, what you want from your day, what you want towear, eat, and do.  It can be an existential question, a practical question or a mundane question.  But your answers define who you are and what you stand for and what is important to you.

 The answer to this question sets your course in life since it is an intention and intentions are self-fulfilling just like belief systems and expectations. Intentions, belief systems, and expectations partner in co-creating your reality.  Just look around your life and you will see anything and everything that is happening in your world is a manifestation of this trio.

 The difference between answering the question, “What do I want?” and not being able to 1003768_10151866158723185_1795069098_n answer it is like the difference between driving a car and being a passenger.  In one case, you are the initiator of action and in the other you are passively reacting.  Where you end up is up to the driver.  You are in control of your life when you are intending consciously and out of control when you are intending passively.  But either way you are co-creating your reality.

 This is why the question, “What do I want?” is pivotal to co-dependency recovery.  Co-dependency is an ‘out of body’ experience meaning you have an external locus of control (the passenger) and not an internal locus of control (the driver).  Your focus is on getting approval so you scan the people around you to see what they want.  The hope is if you give ‘them’ what they want, they will approve of you, not hurt you, and you will be OK.

This sounded like a good plan when you were young and trying to navigate a tricky world.  Unfortunately, when we do this, we abandon ourselves.  Eventually we don’t know what we want.  But we are really good at knowing what everyone else wants and being good little girls and boys.  So what if we don’t know who we are or what we want anymore.  That is why this question is essential for recovery. 

 It takes time to move from external locus of control to internal.  You need to be conscious, aware, and consistent.  The co-dependency will say it is selfish to take the steering wheel and be the driver.  It will say people will be upset or even angry or will leave you.  It will want to avoid confrontation at all costs.  It will want you to stay small, obedient and submissive.

 You can see how fear is at the core of co-dependency.  What could have happened to you that you would be afraid to be fully yourself?  See this younger you who had an experience or many experiences that closed you down, frightened you, that made you contract.  How do you feel toward that younger you?

 Imagine observing this frightened child.  Let the child know you are there.  The child is not alone because you can be with the child 24/7.  Open your heart to the child with compassion.  Let the child feel this comforting love.  Breathe.  Bring the child to a safe place.  Have a relationship with this part of you.  Let your love embrace the child. Breathe.

 “What do I want?” if I have no fear, if I expand in my fullness, if I let the radiant being at my core send forth its beautiful rays of light and love.  You have every right to claim yourself, to stand in your fullness, to be all you are. 

 -sent with my love

 

 

 

 

5 Responses to What do I want?

  1. Shona says:

    So this question has been asked of me three times this week !!! Time to sit down and answer it . Loved the read
    Xoxo

  2. I enjoyed your reflection on this powerful question, Marcia. I especially liked the driver and passenger analogy. I appreciate that you showed fear as the root cause and ways to move past the fear.

  3. Beck says:

    Loved revisiting this most important lesson that you have shared with me. It has made all the difference and been life changing. Healing that inner child. What a gift. I can never thank you enough.

  4. Kathleen says:

    “What do I want” is such an essential question to ask all day every day. I can see that as small children we were influenced away from knowing that we would be heard and honored. As adults we need to honor ourselves first before others and come from that place of self empowerment to know what we want, and take action regardless of what others think or feel about it. Being aware of all the parts of us that are experiencing this lifetime and communicating with my younger parts that it is being heard and honored is necessary for living a balanced happy life.

  5. marietta baldwin says:

    Dear Marcia,

    This posting really made an impact on me.

    It reminded me of the need -and the importance- to take the time to ponder the question you posed.

    The days and weeks pass so quickly. Routines and relationships can become habitual. Doing what others expect also can become the norm, rather than making sure to be present and mindful of how we respond and initiate interactions.

    Many thanks for your continued insight,Marcia,
    MArietta

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